Sweet September

I love September!

Summer has ended (well in most states...not exactly here in AZ) and Fall has begun.  Fall is one of the best seasons (in my opinion:).  I love the scented candles, leaves starting to fall, Halloween, birthdays, and cooler weather!

Today, though, is a very special day.  Today exactly one year ago our little Eden was born.  She was 16 weeks along and not viable(can't survive outside the womb).  But oh how I would love to wrap her up in my arms and give her thousands of kisses.  She would definitely feel my love for her!!  It was so fun to see her in her ultrasounds kicking and moving and lounging (like her mama).  She had the sweetest personality and was such a sweet and pure little soul.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and what could have been. It took a long time for me to be able to talk about our story without crying and being sad and depressed.  The depression has pretty much gone away, but the sadness and pain of it all is still all very close to my heart  These past few weeks have been a little emotional for me and it has all been leading up to today.  Everything I experienced last year... it was like it was yesterday. I can't believe it's been a year.

We have received sweet gifts from our family members and messages of hope and encouragement.  I am so grateful for our families and for the blessing of knowing that ours is for eternity!  We will see Eden and raise her as our own one day!  She is our daughter, definitely had a spirit and personality and is waiting for us to return to be with her again someday! I'm so grateful for the Temple and the covenants and promises we make there.  I know the Lord is watching over not only our family but all of us!  He will guide us and be there for us as we turn to him always!

September 10th is Eden's birthday and we will forever celebrate it as her day:) Last night I got some balloons and flowers to take to where she is buried.  We had her buried over my Grandfather's grave and it is a beautiful spot in the Mesa Cemetery.  This morning I made monkey bread (so yummy) to have something sweet and fall-ish and I've been burning the Leaves candle from Bath and Body works.  Last year my sweet sister-in-law gave it to us and the smell will always remind me of Eden.  I love how a scent can bring you right back to a place, experience, or moment in time.  It's incredible:) I feel like it's a little blessing from God letting us know of the love He has for us and reminding us of the strength we were given during such a trial in our lives.

Eden is buried right under us (where the little roses are). It's always hard to get a picture of us with her because we don't have a marker/headstone for her yet.

I was pretty emotional while we drove there and overwhelmed by everything.  Jason was so sweet and understanding, asking me questions and reminiscing about Eden.  We brought a little rose bush plant to put on her grave and a pink balloon.  I wanted to send it off to let little Eden know we are thinking of her and loving her always.  I want to do that every year from now on.  I think it will be fun to do with our future children as well:)  Traditions are fun and good to establish with family. What better time to start than now?  I got 5 balloons but only one stayed floating so we just let the one go.  Because it had been sitting overnight it kind of lost helium as well and we were worried it wouldn't work.  But when Jason let it go it slowly drifted off.  It was perfect:)  It didn't go too fast and I was able to snap a few pictures of it. It was a sweet little tender mercy from the Lord.  We love our little Eden and are so happy she is a part of our family.

As I sit here writing this I am reminded of another special person that will be joining our clan this December!  Yes, we are pregnant!  We are having a little boy:) And oh what a fun boy he will be!  He definitely has a sweet personality as well.  He is a mover and a shaker and I feel him all the time. The last ultrasound we had of him he had his feet up past his head...he is super flexible (like his dad...not his mama!)  We are so excited to shower him with love:)  I am 27 weeks and it's so nice to be in the stage of viability.  If he comes now he can survive outside the womb!!  It's not ideal and quality of life may be poor but it's exciting and such a milestone!!  Every week is a milestone!

I just barely started feeling kind of good.  I've had HG with this baby as well.  I will be sick with all my babies I'm sure...as was my mom and grandma:)  Pregnancy is not a walk in the clouds for me I'll tell you that !  But I will sacrifice for these babies because they are so important to me and important in the plan our Heavenly Father has for us!  The least I can do is be a vessel to bring life to these sweet little spirits!  And sometimes the vessel goes through a hurricane and storms and is tossed and turned:)  I have definitely felt all of that:)  I usually lose about 16-20 lbs my first half of pregnancy...and finally with this little guy I am gaining weight.  It's crazy to be gaining more weight than I'm used to...but hey, if it's for the baby to help him grow and be healthy, then I am all in:)  I just can't wait to meet him and see what he looks like:) It will be a wonderful reunion!!

Another thing that happened this month was that my sweet niece was baptized (oldest grandchild on the Blackham side) and her little sister (newest grandchild) was blessed.  I wasn't able to be there but I know it was such a sweet occasion for all. I love my nieces and nephews, Blackham's and Linford's! They are all so sweet and bring so much joy:)

Children are special, They are sweet and have so much faith:)  My heart aches for anyone who has lost a child or loved one.  It is so hard and some of the deepest sadness that can be felt.  I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of life after this and eternal families:)  I'm so grateful for the scriptures and the comfort I feel from reading them and attending the Temple.  So many people don't have the knowledge of life after death because they "know not where to find it".  Let us share our knowledge freely and share the eternal happiness and joy we experience daily:) (If anyone has questions visit lds.org, mormon.org, or ask me or a Mormon friend:)

It has been a special few weeks and will continue to be more special as we get ready to invite this new little one into our home:)

September...

it's been a sweet month indeed:)

Mr. Linford & February

(I wrote this on February 26th:)  Sorry about the late post!)

Today (February 26th) is our 10 month anniversary of being married:)  To say it's been amazing would be a huge understatement.  I knew I loved Jason after the first 2 weeks of dating but the love I have for him now is stronger than I ever thought it would be...and it just gets better with each passing day and each passing hour.  He is my best friend, my love, my better half, and such a wonderful example to me:)  I've never laughed so hard, cried so much, or spilled the depths of my soul so often to anyone:)  The other day I was on the phone with my mom and Jason came home from an interview...he said something, I responded, and we just laughed.  My mom said she could tell we love talking to each other.  We then responded..."Yes, we love to talk...in fact we talk too much sometimes!"  Our first date consisted of us going on a walk in my neighborhood and talking ...for 4 hours.  My roommate got worried when it was 1:00pm and texted us making sure we were okay:)  We were fine.

So many people say the 1st year is the hardest year of marriage. I have a few things to say to that...1st- what an awful way to start out a marriage! and 2nd- Anything new is tough at first!  A new job, a new school year, a new haircut, new neighbors, a new style, a new teacher, new shoes (okay, just kidding...let's be honest...new shoes are the best!) I think a lot of our relationships in life has to do with our willingness to make them better and to be submissive to change.  Because my relationship and friendship with Jason is so important I have taken the time to better it because I am willing to put in the time to do so and when I am in the wrong (which I definitely am so often) i have to be submissive and willing to change for the better.

Jason makes me want to be better always and that is one reason why I love him so much:)

I love this picture:)  Jason looks so happy and I'm so glad I get to be by his side for eternity. It's where I belong:)

Okay...so sorry about the mushiness but I just love Jason:)  I chose him and choose him every day:)  It was one of the BEST decisions of my life.  You know those couples that are SO in love and have SO much fun and are always laughing and smiling together and blah blah blah. We joke about how we are "that couple". The couple that makes other people sick.  Ha:)  I love being married to him though...and we will probably continue to make people sick. Sorry again.

Since we've been married we definitely have had quite the roller coaster ride.  A good, fun, exhilarating ride but some of the time it's been tough.  At one point I felt like my lap bar came loose and I was holding on for dear life. People ask me how I am doing now and I can confidently say I am doing well:)  I am happy, Love my husband, have a great job that is very flexible, and I love my calling and the people I serve with and the Young Women.  I love the Young Women:)  They are wonderful.

Last week we had the opportunity to put boxes together for women who have lost their babies.  When we lost out little Eden we were given a box in the hospital.  It's a box to remember your baby and to keep a little memorial of him/her.  They have a little washcloth, picture book, journal, CD of comforting songs, a necklace with little baby feet on it, a little baggie that you can save a piece of their hair, baby soap etc.  It's nice to have a memory of your baby.  The nurses at our hospital took pictures of little Eden with a little tiny bear and a hat on her head and wrapped her in a little blanket.  I keep those items in my box and from time to time look in there. When I go through the box all of those memories of Eden come rushing back and I am comforted by her spirit and memory.

The Young Women in our ward helped put these boxes together as well as other women. They mostly just want help in putting together the boxes but also appreciate any donations. It is a non-profit organization called Lanee's Legacy. You can read about it and what they do on their blog ...laneeslegacy.blogspot.com.  My sister-in-law, Heather, came (and brought some books) and my Aunt Susan helped as well with donations. The activity went by too quickly!  We had so many hands helping us and the Young Women had a wonderful time serving. If you or anyone you know would want to help out contact them! They love putting together group projects, especially church groups.

 Service is the BEST way to help a person feel better.  I know that when I serve I instantly forget about myself and my trials and look outward.  The magnifying glass is not on me anymore. It is my turn to focus on others. And we all know that when we do that our trials seem insignificant.  Having received a box like this myself I know how appreciative the mother of these children will be.  It was such a joy to serve and I hope I will always turn to others, to look outside of myself and focus on others as Christ did.  The scriptures so often teach us to treat others as we would want to be treated, to be missionaries, to mourn with those that mourn.  Christ was so wise.  He suffered every unimaginable thing that we would all go through.  He taught us how to serve.  His ministry was complete and unselfish service...an Infinite sacrifice of love.  He was happy because He was serving...and only serving.  He knew what was to come but he continually served because only He could succor us.

The month of February has been a little tough for me.  I was supposed to have Eden this Saturday  (28th of February).  That was her due date.  I am reminded of her all the time.  Every day, sometimes all day.  After losing a child sometimes the only thing you can think of is having another child.  They will never replace the one you lost but for some reason I think it will help ease the sadness and the loss. But...with all of the emotions and feelings I've had... I have had the privilege of meeting/seeing some new babies.  Jason's sister, Amy, had her little darling boy, Lincoln, on the 9th of February, My dear friend, Rebekah Guymon had her little girl a few days ago (I've only seen pics of her but she is darling), and a wonderful woman in my ward, Julia Young, had her first just a few weeks ago. My sister-in-law, Ashley Blackham, had little Rex a few months ago,  I'm so incredibly happy for my friends and family that are having and rearing such wonderful children.   I only hope one day I can be as good a mom as they all are!!

Til then, I will continue to be patient.  I have learned over the last few months that patience is a gift and definitely a virtue!  To be patient is to have Faith in the Lord and Faith in HIS TIMING. Patience and Faithfulness are some of the fruits of the Spirit (Gal 5:22). No wonder it's so important to have the Spirit in our lives.  I read a blog the other day and was reminded of so many great people in the scriptures that had to wait for years for their desires and prayers to be answered. Moses and the children of Israel, Abraham and Sarah not being able to have children til they were older, Christ fasting for 40 days, Joseph Smith waiting years til he could get the plates to start translating.  I'm learning patience slowly...and feel it is something I have been working on learning and perfecting my whole life.  It is not always easy but I have noticed that the closer I am to the spirit, the more patient I become. Peace is another fruit of the spirit and it reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures... "Be still and know that I am God."  As we take the time to study the scriptures and ponder we will know of God's goodness and glory.

I know that as I have the spirit in my life that I will feel more peace, have more patience, and be more faithful in the Lord's will. It's because of that faith and patience that I moved from Utah.  I'm SOOOO grateful that I was able to meet  Mr. Linford here in AZ and how perfectly it worked out. It may not have been on my timing, but the Lords...

...and His timing is always the best kind:)

A person's a person, no matter how small

4 Months.

It's been about 4 months from the day that little baby Eden joined our family. She came quick and she left even quicker, but her spirit is constantly with us.

We were honored to have so many pictures from the hospital, dressing her, the graveside service, and the luncheon afterward. Sunday I was thinking about Eden and and decided I would finally put some of those pictures in a book.  It made me so happy to look through them, to see Eden, to see so much love and all the support we have had through this whole experience. 

My uncle Bruce took a video of the graveside service and I as I watched it over again I wept.  It wasn't a sad weep or an angry weep.  It was tears of joy for sweet little Eden.  It was tears from the emotional pain I felt from it all. It was tears of longing. Longing for a child we will only see after this life.  It was also tears of gratitude to my sweet uncle for taking the time to record it, and my other uncle for taking the time to build her a casket, and all of my family who supported us and gratitude to those who were able to come. 

A few months ago a good friend of ours lost her baby.  She was about 20-22 weeks along.  I was heartbroken for her.  Just weeks before it happened she and her husband had been at our house for dinner, talking about names for their baby, how she was feeling, and commenting on how great she looked pregnant!!  She was showing:)  It is such an exciting feeling being pregnant, carrying a baby, and planning things for their future!  And it's amazing how quickly it can all change. She went in for an ultrasound a few weeks after and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I was so sad when I found out. After she delivered the baby they saw that his cord was twisted:/ Nothing could be done about it. We were able to visit her in the hospital after she delivered and got to see their little one:)  He was darling:)  When I saw her I just cried...I couldn't hold back the tears.  I had been right there just a little over a month before. These experiences are hard but I know that we and our friends will see our children again:)  

Some people wonder when the spirit enters the baby.  Is it at conception?  Is it when they are born?  Is it at the halfway point of gestation?  Is it when you start feeling the baby kick?  When is it okay to abort/abandon a baby while in the womb?

Here's a question...would you abandon a living child?  If you are a parent and love your kids I'm sure the answer is...no!  Would you have abandoned your child in the womb? Would you abort that child?  Again, I'm sure the answer again is...NO!  Why not?  Because it is your child. They are a living being.  You love that little one.  You love them because you and your spouse (along with the Lord's help) created it and they have a soul. They are a living, breathing, moving person.  

In the D&C (revelations from God) it says"The worth of souls is great in the sight of God."  The Lord doesn't say the worth of an "old" soul is great in the sight of God or the worth of a "young" soul is great in the sight of God or even that a "rich or pour" soul is great.  He said the worth of a "soul" is great in His sight.  That means all of us. Every person on this earth is a son or daughter of God.  Each soul has great worth to the Him. The scriptures also teach us the the Lord is "no respecter of persons".

Passing on is a sad experience because of the attachment we have to that person, their personality, their spirit...their soul.  When someone passes away it is said that their soul leaves their body.  People breathe, move, run, dance, and cry because of the spirit inside of them.  But if someone dies, their spirit leaves the body and it doesn't function like it once did. It is 'still' or 'lifeless'. Their body stays on this earth and is buried (or cremated) here.  In the scriptures we learn that we were made from the dust of the earth. And just as our spirits return to the place they once were, our bodies do the same...return to the earth.

I have the privilege of working with the Young Women in my ward along with Sister Turley (who is amazing!).  I loved it when I was growing up and I love it now. The girls are awesome and strong members of the church!  A few months ago we saw the play, "The Seussical", at Mesa High. It's about a few Dr. Seuss stories all combined in one show.  It's mostly about an elephant named Horton who finds a little piece of fluff (speck of dust) floating in the air and he hears a noise coming from it.  He snatches it up to take care of it.  He is convinced that there is someone or something on that little speck and that he needs to take care of it.  In the show you find out that there is a town of people living on this speck. Horton goes around telling people that he has to take care of this speck and get it to a safe place so these people will be safe.  Not everyone believes him so it's a fight between him and others to take care of the speck.  He finds out that he was right and there really are people that live on the speck. They are the "WHO's" and they live in "Whoville". He builds a relationship with them and eventually gets the speck to a safe spot and all is well. It's a darling play and great movie:)

You're probably wondering..."Why are you telling this story?"  Because:)  Because throughout the whole show he continually says, "A person's a person, no matter how small."

And I completely agree.  A person IS a person, no matter how small.  These babies that we carry and only stay with us for a short amount of time are people:)  They are living and moving and have souls. They have a special personality they bring.  They are some of the angels we have in our lives;)

I still feel so grateful and indebted to all those who have prayed for us, taken care of us, and helped us out since we have lost our baby.  Life is more precious and tender.  I feel like, although I am still the same person,  I have been more polished and matured by this experience.  But life will do that to you. It's not an excuse to be angry and change the hope that's inside of you.  It's a perfect opportunity to fight through the sadness and sorrow.  It's a time to show our Heavenly Father, who has given us everything, that we trust Him and His timing. It's a time to show our gratitude for all that we do have and all the blessings we have been given.

I saw a video clip of a woman at the hospital after having her first child. Fourteen months later she and her family were in a terrible car accident.  Tragically she lost her husband and her baby was in critical condition for a while.  There were many people involved in helping her family after the accident. Her little boy survived and is healthy but, sadly, she lost the love of her life.  It has been 10 years since the accident and she decided she wanted to find all those that helped and host a dinner for them, thanking them for what they did. She has been positive through the whole experience and said that she is grateful for all she DOES have now.  What an example to us all!  To be grateful despite our circumstances!! In the Book of Mormon (scripture like unto the Bible) it says, "And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive." Alma 7:23

This is a good reminder to me to be more grateful each day.  When I am grateful for what I have and the people in my life I see a little bit of what the Lord sees in us...the love He has for us, His children, and...our worth:)

"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;" D&C 18;10

This guy is of great worth to me:)  This picture was taken during Christmas time:) We flew to Utah and spent the holiday with my family:)  They are all very special people to me and I love them so much!!