Our Baby Eden

My story is a little sad, detailed, and kind of lengthy. It may bring tears to your eyes...almost every time I share it, think about it, or talk about it I have tears in my eyes (So you may want to grab some tissue). I wouldn't normally share something this personal but I felt strongly about it and inspired to do so. I hope if anything, our story can help someone, someway, somehow.

If you would have asked me a couple months ago how I was doing I probably would have said, “I’m doing fine.” Or I would have possibly ignored a text, phone call, or other means of communication. (I apologize if I did this to you...you will understand why if you continue reading.)  

Most people don’t know this but I was extremely sick. Throwing up every day, constantly nauseous and all smells made me either want to throw up or instantly nauseous. It was a viscous cycle. I've never felt more high maintenance in my life.

I was pregnant!!  Jason and I were excited, nervous, worried how we would pay for everything, but very happy! Thoughts that ran through my mind: I've never been pregnant before. Will I be a good Mom?  Will I even know how to take care of a child? Can I even do this?!

So day by day, week by week went on. At about 7 weeks I started to throw up multiple times a day and couldn't keep anything down.  Water tasted like poison to me. (Ask Jason…he had to go to the store about 5 or 6 times before we found the right water for me to be able to drink.)  Because I was so dehydrated from not getting enough fluid I was admitted to the ER early on in the pregnancy…about 8 weeks.  They stabilized me by giving me two IV bags with Zofran and once I was stable they sent me home about 4 hours later.  That helped me for a few hours but then I got sick again.  The next day we decided to talk with the DR.  I was so sick going into his office that I barely said a word to him because of the nausea and right after he came into our room I threw up in his garbage can. Oops:/ He clearly saw what was going on.

He said I had HG (Hyperemesis Gravidarum)…which is something only 2% of pregnant women experience. It is when pregnant women have very bad nausea and vomiting, are dehydrated and just basically need to eat anything they won’t throw up for the time being.  He put me on home health care which is when a nurse comes to your home every three days to set you up with an IV.  I had to get two bags of fluid every day.  When the bags ran out of fluid I would change it on my own. Each bag took about 4-6 hours and if I wanted to go outside or anywhere I had to disconnect from the line, flush it with saline, and stop the line.  I showered maybe every 5 days because it was a hassle to me- in all my sickness- to even take one.

These pictures were taken at Jason's brothers wedding (about 9.5 weeks pregnant) in Oakland. I was able to get off the IV for this and it was a miracle I made it!!  Sadly...when we got back home to AZ I got even more sick:/

Anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE TO RUN.  But HG pretty much took over.  I was so sick that I couldn't do anything… I could barely stand up long enough to take a shower, use the restroom, make food, or do the dishes.  I was tired, light-headed, and had zero energy to do anything.  I definitely did not run (which is very unlike me). I watched a LOT of movies, some TV, read some books, and took a lot of naps. I spent almost all of my hours, all of my days, lying on the couch in our living room.  During this time I lost about 13 lbs and missed about 4-5 weeks of church because I felt so awful (which also is very unlike me). Jason would come home during the day multiple times to check up on me, bring me food, or just help out with something. He is so amazing and was so helpful and is the best husband anyone could ever ask forJ  I love you, Jason! 

About a month and a half ago, almost to the day,I started bleeding a little.   Most people refer to it as “spotting”.  I thought it was just a normal thing and mentioned it to Jason.  The next day it continued to bleed…just lightly.  I started having cramps here and there. They weren't bad but they happened and were little sharp pains.  So we decided the next day (Friday) that we would call the Doctor.  The next morning at 7am my cramps were hurting so I decided to call the Doctor sooner than I had planned.  He said to come in for an ultrasound as soon as I could.  It was the weekend and my actual OBGYN was not available so I talked to the on-call Doctor.  We scheduled an ultrasound for 11am and then an appointment with another Doctor later that day.  We went in for the ultrasound and hoped that all would be ok.

We were both very nervous.  I prayed, Jason prayed, and we prayed together. When we saw the baby in the ultrasound she was fine. She was more than fine! She was actually lounging and moving around so much that it was hard for the nurse to get a good view of her to see if it was a girl or boy.  It was amazing to see her personality coming out….at such an early age too.  She was 15.5 weeks almost 16.  At the time we didn't know it was a girl but Jason had a feeling the whole time…and he was right. The nurse performed two different ultrasounds and told us the baby was completely healthy and fine.  The nurse did mention that there was a little bleeding coming from the placenta but it was nothing to worry about and that they would monitor it. We were relieved.  Our baby girl was ok!  I then went to my appointment to meet with the Doctor later that day on my own.  He said to be careful, not to do any heavy lifting, and especially to not do anything that could cause me to bleed anymore. 

That night my cramping got a little worse, and the next day the bleeding started coming a little more.  I was worried but I tried to give it some time so Saturday I spent all day on the couch trying to take it easy but the cramping and bleeding was getting worse and I got even less sleep that night.  So we went to the ER on Sunday and they performed a pelvic exam to see if I was dilating.  No dilation.  They said the bleeding wasn't bad and that I would be ok.  They didn't give me any medication to help with the pain but the Doctor said to call him if I had any questions. 

We returned home again with hardly any answers and that night I went to sleep hoping the pain would go away. But the pain never subsided.  It actually got worse.  The pain I thought was cramping was actually strong contractions.  This was the 3^rd night without getting sleep.  I tossed and turned, tried to lay on my side like they always tell you to do, and tried to change my sleeping area(the couch, the floor) but nothing seemed to help. I was walking around the house at 2, 3, 4 am in the morning to see if it would help but it didn't.  I never took any medicine because I didn't want to harm the baby.  And I was just hoping it would go away on its own (naive).

I texted my parents all that night and they wished they could have helped more.  My parents and I live in two different states. My mom told me that taking a bath would relieve my pain.  She was right because it helped so much.

Later that day, my awesome sister-in-law, Heather, came over with her two little boys to bring me dinner. We talked, and after about 20 minutes I started feeling contractions again.  I excused myself and as I walked down the hall to use the restroom I felt a gush of blood. WARNING: it gets a little graphic but it's what happened. It was like a horror movie...best way to describe it.  Blood was dripping down my leg and had dripped all over the floor. I had passed my first blood clot and it was the size of my fist.  Heather was so sweet and helped clean up the floor while I cleaned up my clothes. She then said, “I really think you should go to the ER. This is not normal.”  I was at the ER just the day before, but knew it would be wise to go back.

I called Jason and told him what happened. He quickly came home, called his parents and told them what happened. Then I got ready and we nervously drove to the hospital. His parents beat us there and had a wheelchair ready for me for when I got there. Luckily I brought a towel to sit on because I passed another few clots before we made it to the hospital. (By the way, Jason’s mom helped me so much while I was sick.  She came over and cleaned, did dishes, made food, bought food, did our laundry, and many more things!  She’s amazing!  I married into a wonderful family!)

So now, you can imagine, we were getting a little more nervous.

  

One of the Doctors came in and said, “My guess is it’s a miscarriage," which made me so mad. Um excuse me? Our baby has been fine in every ultrasound we've had!! After a while they did another ultrasound on me and she was ok! Her heart was great, she was moving, her little personality shined through and she was completely fine. They gave me some morphine for my pain, stabilized me, and told me that I needed to be on bed rest. I was supposed to not do anything. They told me to contact my OB Doctor the next day. So that  next day I contacted him and all he told me to do was hang tight and he prescribed me Progesterone.  We had a game plan for me to stay at my in-laws house and Jason’s mom would take care of me for the time being.  The problem is I got worse.  That day my cramping got the worst it had been.  I couldn't even bare it.  No medicine helped, a bath didn't help, and lying down wasn't helping either.

I was in hard labor. And it wasn't just that day…it had been for 4 days straight. I just didn't know. I kept passing blood clots every 2 hours and having contractions about every 45 seconds (the contractions were happening for the 4 days as well).  I started getting very light headed and almost passed out as I was trying to pass a clot.  I knew the baby was coming and there was so much bleeding.  My husband called 911; they rushed to my in-laws house, put me in the back of the ambulance and drove to the hospital. 

Jason snapped this shot as they were loading me into the Ambulance. An experience I hope to never have again.

My heart was breaking.

I knew I was losing this baby and I couldn't do anything about it.  The whole time I could feel her moving and kept telling her to stay in, stay in, please.  My placenta had torn and it just kept tearing. It was a placental abruption and compromising the baby.   Whenever there is clotting the uterus wants to get rid of it and it contracts. And it was pushing my baby out along with the clots.  I was so sad. When they took me to the ER (for the 3^rd day in a row) I waited for about 45 minutes before a doctor or PA helped me. I was in excruciating pain and could find no relief.

Finally a PA came in and she said to me, “You probably know this by now but you’re having a miscarriage.” I was so mad. So sad.  I wanted to scream!  But all I did was nod my head and cry.

She sat down and got the baby out. I didn't even have to push.  It took about 2 minutes.  The Nurses all seemed shocked at the whole situation. They didn't know what to do. Our baby was perfect.  She looked like a little doll. I think it was something few of them had ever seen. One of them was crying when she left the room. They then wheeled me to the Maternity section of the hospital where they put me in a nice big room and gave me some medicine to help deliver the placenta. The feeling in the maternity ward was so much nicer than the ER.   My nurse there was so kind and she took care of me almost the whole time. She was soft spoken and so compassionate. 

The Nurses let us have her in our room after the moved us from the ER. They asked us if we wanted to hold her and right away we both said yes.  Jason is amazing at capturing moments and so he whipped out his phone camera and started taking these. This is one of my favorite pictures:)  Her sweet profile, her little defined arms, and her cute little nose and mouth.

I love her little hands and feet so much:)  Her hands are shaped like mine but long like Jason's. 

After we held her for a little and Jason took those pictures, they took her to take some "professional hospital photos" (which weren't nearly as good as Jason's but it's the thought that counts.) And they took some molds of her hands and feet. They then brought her back to us in a little basket wrapped up in this little robe, bonnet, and blanket. I took this picture while Jason was sleeping and I had some time to just soak in what had just happened and be with our baby. At this point we still weren't 100% if she was a boy or girl. (we found out the next day she was a girl:)

Our baby came at 16 weeks. She was born on  September 10, 2014.  She was perfect, whole, and beautiful as you can see. She had all of her limbs, fingers, toes; she had a sweet profile, and a perfect little nose.  They let us hold her right away. My husband took a lot of great pictures of her (I have posted a few).  They gave us a box to have to remember her, took a mold of her hands and feet, and gave us a few other things for our stay at the hospital. They took me from the ER to a new room to deliver my placenta. It hadn't come out in the ER because of all the clotting attached to it.  My placenta was finally delivered 6 hours later. I pushed a few times and it came out…covered in clots.  It was 4 times the size it should have been. They sent it off to be tested and took a bunch of blood from me (as if I hadn't lost enough blood…I was down 4 units!).

We had alot of visitors.  My brother (Jeffrey) and sister-in-law (Ashley) came and visited us right away and she brought flowers, food, a blanket, and a nice picture of the temple to look at. She is so thoughtful!  Then my family came and visited as well. My mom had decided (before she knew I was having a miscarriage) to get a ticket and fly to AZ to help me out. Little did she know that she would be planning a graveside for her granddaughter.  She was inspired to come.  I love my mom! We also had cousins, aunts, nephews, brothers, sisters, and friends that visited us.  We had our little girl with us (they let her stay in the room with us) and everyone got to see her.  She was about 6 inches and 2.3 ounces. A perfect little personJ 

The next day a Pathologist did a little test to see if our baby was a boy or girl. When they brought her back to us it was pretty clear we had a girl!!  She is so precious. The dress they put her in was making her hands shoot straight out to the side. She looks like a little Diva:) There is a woman at the hospital I delivered at that makes clothes for the little babies that are miscarriages, still borns, or those born full term. They have an amazing program at Banner Hospitals to take care of those grieving a baby they've lost.

This shows you how small her hand is!  That's my finger holding her hand!

She was so delicate!  Motherhood teaches us so much...even if we don't get to raise our children in this life.

Jason was such a strength and support to me the whole time!  He takes care of everyone. He always gives his best whether he is performing, working, or teaching the 6-7 yr olds in primary. He had to take care of some business while I was still in the hospital. He would leave and come back when he could. He said it was rough leaving the hospital. Experiences like this really help you realize the most important things in life. And all other things fall to the wayside and aren't as important.

One of the first Linford Family pictures.  I love my family:)  It's kinda hard to tell but we are holding her little hands:)

This is one of our favorite pictures. It's definitely my moms favorite.  Her hand was so tiny and perfect. You could see her bones, ligaments, and fingernails!

Holding our sweet little girl, hand in hand.

My father-in-law, Craig Linford, took this photo. I love it because it is so raw. The love Jason and I have for Baby Eden was instant and came full force.  No wonder our parents love us so much. Now I know why.
 This was taken after 48+ hours of  pure hectic craziness. So much pain, so much sorrow, so much lost.  But we have hope in reuniting with her after this life. What a sweet reunion it will be:)

I delivered baby Eden at 16 weeks gestational. A baby is not viable (can’t survive outside the womb) until 20-24 weeks.  We still don’t know if she was alive when she came out. Sadly, we may never know.  The hospital gave us the option to either have our baby cremated (which the hospital would take care of) or bury her. Because we don’t really believe in cremation and I couldn't imagine having her ashes spread all over, we decided to bury her and have a little graveside service. Thankfully my mom was there and helped us contact the funeral home and the cemetery.  She helped out a ton.

I stayed in the hospital for another day so they could monitor me and make sure my blood was ok. The nurses checked my vitals and took me on little walks to make sure I was healing and getting stronger.  I lost a lot of blood and they wanted to make sure I could do things on my own.

This has been the hardest thing I've gone through emotionally and physically.  I have never felt so much sadness, pain, heartache, sorrow, loneliness, doubt and guilt.  But the strength I've felt from family, friends, ward members, nurses, and other loved ones has been tremendous.  It has brought me and Jason closer together and has strengthened our commitment to each other and our relationship.  My mother-in-law said, "You really see people’s true colors in times of adversity."  She was completely right.  When times in our lives get hard we have two choices: 1. We go through the trial and have the right attitude or 2. Buckle under pressure; shirk from our responsibilities, run away from the hard things.

I have said so many times, “I would take back all the nausea, vomiting, cramps, contractions, bleeding, clotting, and pain just to keep our baby, to continue carrying her, to be able to raise her in this life, to hear her cry, see her smile, and giggle with her.”  The love you have as a parent is so great. This experience has taught me so much.  It has taught me that life is precious and beautiful.  It has taught me that children are special and important and family is the purpose of this life!  It has taught me that in order to experience the good we need to experience the bad also.  It has taught me that the most important things in my life are people and my relationships with them. My family, friends, Jesus Christ, and God are those most important to me. And through prayer, scriptures, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ I can become better and have better relationships with them.  My faith is so important to me because it gives me the hope and assurance of my eternal goals.

I often thought while I was in so much pain, “Christ experienced this pain already for me. He knows how I feel. He can succor me.” He suffered so much already. We can’t expect to not have trials. As Disciples of Christ if we want to be like Him we will experience hardships as well.  This experience has taught me that the Lord will not take our trials away from us but will give us strength to endure them.  Sometimes we will feel sharp pain and be awake all night. Sometimes we will bleed. Sometimes we will cry. And sometimes we will pray hard but our prayers won’t always be answered right away.   I do know this though--God will ALWAYS answer our prayers in His time.

The night after we got home from the hospital, as we were saying family prayers, we decided on a name for our little girl. We met each other in the Eden park ward and we wanted to honor our Mothers…so we named her….Eden Kathryn Christine Linford.

We had a graveside service a week and a half after I delivered Eden.  It was absolutely perfect. My Uncle Howard and cousin Ian offered to build her a little casket which turned out to be amazing and my other cousin, Reed (whose wife had her baby a day after me) stained the casket. My grandma, Bonnie, let us bury her above my Grandpa Peterson’s grave which was so kind. A good friend of ours got balloons to send off after the service. And my cousin, who lost her first baby at 16 wks years ago, brought flowers:) We had a lot of love and support. Our Fathers both spoke at the service, our Mothers said prayers, Jason and his twin brother, Jeffrey, played a few musical numbers on their violins, our Bishop said a few words and dedicated the grave, and at the end we sent off balloons. It was a perfectly beautiful day and service.

My sister, Shawna, took this photo. I love it:)  Such a beautiful day, beautiful flowers, and beautiful casket for our perfect little girl. My mother got me a necklace and earrings with a sapphire (September birthdays) on them. My cousins and Aunt also got me a necklace with an E on it and a stone and little feet. My mother-in-law, Tina, got me this nice blouse. I am wearing pink more often now:)  I think it's one of my new favorite colors:)

Our ward Relief Society had prepared a luncheon for us after the service. It was so nice and the food was yummy!  (I hadn't eaten real food for a long time without almost everything making me sick so I was super excited.). Jeffrey, Jason's twin, captured this photo. I love it because even though things have been so difficult for us...we still find joy in life :)

We had the service on September 19, 2014. This was the cemetery. It was a beautiful day.

I know Eden is ours for eternity.  She had a spirit, a personality, and was a living being. She is our daughter and I know because we were sealed for time and all eternity in the Temple, we will see her after this life and have the chance to raise her. 

Losing a child is hard, it’s real, and it's devastating. It doesn't matter at what stage of the pregnancy it is. You connect with your baby and develop a relationship with him/her. I can’t imagine what it's like to lose a child as an infant, child, teenager, adult, but I can imagine it’s heartbreaking. Some days you feel beside yourself. The few days and weeks after Eden was born I had no appetite for anything, I didn't want to talk to a lot of people (the story is so long, sad, and often made me cry), I didn't want to play games, read books, look at Facebook, go on Instagram, return texts or phone calls. I didn't care to watch movies or TV at all. And while I was mourning Jason had to work right away and keep his mind on that. People forget that it’s not just the woman that mourns. Men mourn too. Maybe not the same way, but they do mourn.  He mourned a little in the beginning (It’s his child too and he developed a relationship with her as well) but I think it has hit him more now-1 month later.  He is amazing though.  He was right by my side the whole way.  He bought me food, cleaned, did the dishes, drove me to all my appointments, prayed with me, listened to me cry, helped me change my IV bags, and loved me in spite of all my weaknesses and crazy hormones.  He is a wonderful man and I love him so much!  He has been a rock for me.

It was good to have family in town for the time after. My mom was here for a few days, and then she and my dad flew back for the graveside. My sister (Shawna) and sister-in-law (Helen) drove here from Utah and stayed a week. I couldn't have done it without the love and support of our families for sure. That helped keep my mind off of being sad and helped me stay happy. But each night before bed I think of the most important things to me, Jason, Eden, the gospel, and the Plan of Salvation. How can people live without knowing and believing in God, a greater being, a loving creator that gives us everything?  The love that I have for Eden is so real and strong! God must love us even more!  My testimony of the Plan of Salvation is greater now than it was before.

It’s hard to go through hard things but I know that, “the Lord giveth, and the Lord hath taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord”. I know that we are stronger and become better as we endure these trials. I know that it helps us turn to the Lord and dig deeper to see the strength He has given us. I know that we will be able to help others that may go through similar trials. A lot of the times our prayers are answered through another person. I have experienced that many times in my life. And I feel that this experience will help me empathize with others even more.

My story is detailed and lengthy but I felt compelled to share it. It was important to me to share the story of our first child, Eden. May she smile down upon us (as perfect as she is) and always be in our hearts and may we work hard to see her in the next life.  I know that children who have passed on before the age of accountability, are perfect and do not need to be baptized. They are already saved. It is our responsibility to be obedient, live righteously, be compassionate and kind, be like Christ, forgive everyone, serve all those around us, and repent of our weaknesses.  Then at the last day may we be able to stand and face our Savior, Jesus Christ, and say, “I did my best, I fought a good fight, I kept the faith.”

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf  said, “In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings. Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.”

This is not the end with our little Eden, only the beginning.